Becoming Pro-Life: A New Path

I would like to take a moment to add one more piece of the puzzle of my becoming Pro-Life. This is a sensitive area for me. I lost my aunt, who had been a quadriplegic (paralyzed from the neck down) for 23 years. She became paralyze in 1989, at around 32 years old. She survived for 23 years as a quadriplegic. I lost her May 16, 2013. 

She was forced into hospice care against her will because an HMO/insurance did not want to continue to pay for her care. This the short version of the story, and you can read the full story here. She wanted to live. But she wasn't worth it to them. Money was more important than keeping her alive. That really taught me a lesson about the quality of life of individuals. It was a hard lesson to learn. She wanted to live. She was forced to die. They took away everything from here and were glad to take away what was left. The fact that she wanted to live destroyed my heart. She deserved to live. Money, the concept of another person determining that her "quality of life" was so bad that she should die, destroyed me. I will never forget.

On a lighter note, both for space and the fact that I might never stop crying if I delve deeper at this time, I want to talk to you about some of my Pro-Life friends that had previously been seen as "enemies". I told you about some already, so here are a few more:

Destiny ReNae Gonzalez: I cannot tell you how many times we fought tooth and nail when I was Pro-Choice. I can't. Our severe disdain for one another was palpable and mutual. We both got under one another's skin. She thought I was a troll with no actual opinion on abortion for some time. Still, and I'm not sure exactly when this happened, as I became not only more respectful to Pro-Lifers, but when I began calling myself Pro-Life, Destiny defended me when other Pro-Lifers didn't trust me or my intentions or views. There was a thread in which a Pro-Life woman was "warning' others that I was not, in fact, Pro-Life. I remember tearing up after seeing her defend me, willing to open herself up to the risk that I very well could have been a troll. I wasn't though, and Destiny defended me, along with GT and others. 

GT: I remember being in a private debate forum with GT, along with many others. In this group, Pro-Lifers would get bashed for their views so often, and this is one of the groups in which I did nothing or very little. I was originally intimidated by her. I can't really explain why. Maybe it was the fact that she refused to lose her cool? Not sure! Still, I dare say we have become best friends. She was friends with me when I was Pro-Choice, and she was there as I molded and changed my beliefs. She supported me when I was being attacked by former "friends", and she supported me when I lost my aunt. 

FA: Along the lines of GT, I was actually fascinated by the fact that FA (and GT) were Pro-Life Liberals. I'd always thought of myself as liberal (when I took those quizzes about political positions, I always got either "Liberal" or "Centrist."). Part of the reason I was afraid of associating myself with the Pro-Life movement was that I was still under the impression that Pro-Life = Conservative by default. I was Liberal, and I didn't see many Pro-Life liberals. FA is, though, as are other of my Pro-Life friends. I cannot tell you how thankful I was to find Pro-Lifers that shared a general lean with me. I felt like more of a part of a group. I didn't feel so alienated. That really helped me in my journey to becoming Pro-Life. I came to learn through all of my Pro-Life friends that the Pro-Lifers are a much more diverse group than I'd originally thought!

GS: I met GS during my "Compassionate Pro-Choice" phase. I was so much open to discussion at that time, and his initial impression reflected that. He tells me that he thought I was "full of ideas", "enthusiastic", and "open-minded." I realize now that there were a number of people that I met during my "Compassionate Pro-Choice" phase that describe their thought of me as open-minded. I'm kind of glad they didn't see me before! 

AR: Oh, I hated AR at first. I thought she was ignorant, hateful, everything that a stereotypical Pro-Lifer was. After getting to know her, I cannot tell you how wrong I was. During the bashing by my former "friends", AR, whom I was still worrying about, thinking she probably hated me or something for my past, stepped up and sent me a message of support, telling me that I could call her if I felt the need. She reached out to me, even though I'd been friends with, and even participated with, in the past, people bashing her for being Pro-Life. Destiny and AR have taught me that even though I had been hateful, that I could be forgiven for my past actions and statements. I am so thankful.

AB: Here's another woman that surprised me. She was very civil, even to Pro-Choicers. I don't think I've seen her lose her cool. She even helped me to admin on a page that was devoted to finding common ground between the two sides. I was iffy at first about trusting her to help with the page. I still leaned Pro-Choice and still retained a general distrust of Pro-Lifers. But I gave her a chance, and she was an excellent admin. Very civil. Very compassionate. Far from the stereotypical Pro-Lifer.

GGO: I didn't meet GGO online. He was a friend of a friend. I didn't know about his views on abortion until later. Still, I want to say that I was surprised to find out that he was Pro-Life. I'm not sure why that surprised me. He admitted to me that he'd never known someone who had switched from one side to the other in regards to the abortion debate, and that it was a real shock that I had changed. I'm glad that I was able to show him that people can and do change, even if and when it doesn't seem likely. 

AL: AL is sweet, inquisitive, very nice. She started a discussion page because she wanted to see people talk about political issues. She hated that people hated each other for being on the opposing side. She was convinced that it was possible for us to come together and actually discuss issues like adults. She was one of the people that inspired me to discuss issues civilly, to try to build a bridge of dialogue with others, even if we disagreed.

This list is by NO MEANS complete. I continue to meet wonderful Pro-Lifers and Pro-Choicers that have compassionate hearts and brilliant minds. It is mind-boggling. When I started debating abortion, I didn't think I'd ever see the day that I got along with Pro-Lifers. When I got along with Pro-Lifers, I didn't think that I would ever see the day that I became Pro-Life. Now that I am Pro-Life, I cannot wait to see where my journey takes me. I am, and will forever be, thankful that I have had so many supporters help me take my first steps. 

And the rest, as they say, was history.

Becoming Pro-Life: Resistance, Rejection, and Humiliation

Our city was in a drought and lifted its burn ban, finally, after a series of storms and showers hit us. To commemorate the uplifting of the ban, I propose we burn some bridges that should have been burned a long time ago. And if the bridge has already been burned, let's find a way to do it again, shall we? This isn't some "I hate you, let's burn the bridge" post. On the contrary, this is "You hurt me. I'm not going to let you cross that bridge again, and if burning it is necessary, then so be it." I'm also going to be burning bridges so that I, too, cannot re-use them. 

I wish I could say "and the rest was history", but I cannot. Though perhaps the most influential day regarding my conversion to Pro-Life was September 12, 2012--the day I met Josh and Clinton--it would be the greater part of a year before I would truly even admit to myself that I was Pro-Life. In fact, if I recall correctly, it wasn't until late November 2013 that I took the biggest step, and though it hurt, and you'll find out why, I do not by any means regret it. We're going to back up though and explain what happened from September 2012 to November 2013, though--how I was changing.

At first, it wasn't all that different. I was still "on the fence" but leaning and defending the Pro-Choice side far more than the Pro-Life side. I was really , really concerned with people hating me--though, oddly, that didn't matter so much with Pro-Lifers. I'd been Pro-Choice, been debating it as a habit with certain groups of Pro-Choicers for so long, and it was so familiar. I was terrified of change. I administrated some pages, one of them a discussion page, and even though I was "on the fence", if the aforementioned groups of Pro-Choicers would come onto the page to harass Pro-Lifers, I, for the most part, defended them. I was even told about how unfair this was. I even knew how unfair this was. There were really good Pro-Lifers both on pages and in groups that I watched be harassed and bullied by Pro-Choicers. And I said and did nothing.

I even (though it was becoming more seldom) continued to antagonize Pro-Lifers on the Planned Parenthood page on Facebook. And if anyone is wondering how so many Pro-Choicers seem to step on you when it comes to Pro-Choice pages, there are a number of groups in which a Pro-Choicer who sees a Pro-Life post on the pages will share the link or a screencap of the post. For example, there was the "Planned Parenthood Action Private" group (I might be a bit off on the title). Despite the title, it wasn't run by the owners of the Planned Parenthood pages. It was primarily by the trolls and extremists I told you about before. Mind you, not everyone was a troll or extremist, but quite a bit were. So when someone would post on the Planned Parenthood page, there'd almost always be someone in the group that would find it and it would be screencapped and/or a link would be posted in the group. Then we'd all jump on it like ants to picnic food. One after another, these Pro-Lifers stood no chance against all of us. The herd mentality. You'l read more about this later. This wasn't just limited to the Planned Parenthood page. Or even Pro-Choice pages. Sometimes we'd screencap things that were posted by Pro-Lifers on Pro-Life pages just to make fun of it. For a long time, I went along with it. As time went on though, I came to hate it, though, and would feel bad when I bashed Pro-Lifers--especially those who came onto the pages civilly, or posted something that made complete sense. But I was afraid (very insecure at this time--still am, but I'm working on it now more than ever). I was afraid of losing my "friends" if I was nice(r) to Pro-Lifers or said that they made sense or were logical. 

I didn't realize, at that time, what real friends were. I was growing increasingly conflicted, though. I had great Pro-Life friends. What a jerk I was to treat other Pro-Lifers poorly because I wanted to keep Pro-Choice "friends" while ignoring my Pro-Life friends (who would, ironically, scold me if I treated  Pro-Choicers the way I had been treating the Pro-Lifers).

A short conversation between CB and myself:
Me: You know, I was allowed to help out on a big Pro-Choice page. And I tried to be that average choicer. I just can't do it though. I'm sitting in the page's messages having a civil conversation with a Pro-Lifer and telling others to message the page if they wish to talk. This is after I posted lots of mean pictures and slogans and whatnot and now I just want to go back and delete them all but then I think that the admin of the page will hate me or something.
CB: Can I ask, why would you choose to pretend to be something you're not?
Me: I don't know. I really don't. I kinda wanted them to not hate me.
CB: If I can make a suggestion, never sacrifice principal just to be liked. Because, if you do, it won't really be you the people are liking but, a fake version of you. In other words, a lie. And if they don't like you because you believe something differently than them, they're not worth your time.

Despite this conversation, I continued. It was not so much logic that held me to the Pro-Choice position but, rather, pride and insecurity. I was not the fair admin I thought I was or could be. I still hurt people. I still pissed off a lot of people. And I'd like to say right now that I am sorry. I cannot say that enough.

I'm actually glad, though, that my dearest Pro-Life friends by this point did not see all of the things I said, particularly in private groups. I don't think I could have handled the added shame. Maybe they did? Some did, I'm sure.

I became an admin on a fairly large Pro-Life page. But I was determined to only post things that Pro-Choicers would be able to agree with. Still, it wasn't long after that that I started to feel more comfortable talking about my personal views. And it took even less time after that point that I was removed from the Planned Parenthood Action Private group. I think I was removed from some others, but for some reason, the removal from that group hit me the hardest. I was told that it was just some sort of "precaution" or something because there was a "mole" in the group (I'm not sure what we were supposed to be ashamed of, though).

Finally, I began to lose what I had thought were "friends." I hadn't even fully come out as Pro-Life, but I am guessing it was my association with the Pro-Life movement, the fact that I was in Pro-Life groups (this I know was one factor because I was told so), and the fact that I was starting to become more stern in regards to being a fair admin for both sides. I'd been letting (mostly extremist) Pro-Choicers trample Pro-Lifers for way too long, and I began to refuse to let that happen. This took place after the disintegration of our "friendships", for the most part, and of course, they were mad. How fucking dare I ban them from my page? How dare I! That's not fair! Pro-Solution, Pro-Common-Ground, their ass!

Unfortunately, I had misjudged them as decent human beings worth some degree of respect. I had considered them my friends, and they knew a lot about me personally, and they weren't about to let that advantage go to waste. They had no problem making public my private matters. I have a screenshot right here, but I'm not going to show it. I'll tell you what they said, but I won't tell you the name. Even though they treated me with such disrespect (that I probably deserved anyway), I'll still protect a bit of their privacy, even if I was not afforded the same privilege. One bashed me (on a public page), calling me entitled, and mentioning one night that I wanted to go to a homeless shelter with my daughter to get away from my situation. She called it a disgusting homeless shelter, and claimed that had I gone, I would be depriving of a family that was truly in need of a place to stay. She'll probably tell anyone that kind of stuff. But here is what she won't tell you: She won't tell you that I'd been beaten by my husband the night before. She won't tell you that I wanted to get myself and my daughter away from the situation. She won't tell you about how my parents were verbally abusive to each other. She won't tell you that I didn't want my daughter around any such abuse. And she won't tell you that I was contemplating suicide because I was starting to feel like there was no way out. She won't tell you any of this, because if she had, you'd actually get the full story. It wouldn't make for a good "you should hate her guts" post, and it might imply that she's not as Pro-Woman as she thinks she is (bashing a domestic violence survivor for wanting to leave? Couldn't ask for a better friend, could I? You also clearly will never find a better Pro-Woman advocate, I tell you).

Still,the worst was yet to come. In November 2013, if I recall correctly, I was finally getting used to calling myself Pro-Life, to adjusting, so to say. I'd already lost a bunch of friends, and while that had hurt, I got over it. There was a day in another private group, and there was some post on being Pro-Life. I remembered speaking up for Pro-Lifers (I was just getting used to that), and one member bashed Pro-Lifers to no end. It was expected and predictable. Still, for whatever reason, this affected me more than it had in the past, and I felt I should leave the group. I did, leaving behind a parting message (I can't  even remember what it said, but I am sure it didn't say anything particularly nasty in it). Clearly, though, a number of people were super-offended personally--many I hadn't even spoken to in months. I (stupidly) made a post on my own profile about leaving a group and having unfriended some people (who weren't really my friends). I kept the post restricted in hopes that I wouldn't offend others and (of course) someone screencapped it and posted it in a group or something, so those who couldn't see it saw it and, of course, also got offended. It was my own fault. Tension was high and I should have known better than to post on my own profile page. Still, I apologized. And I apologized. And I apologized. 

I lost a lot of friends then many whom I thought I was pretty close with, many I thought would not care that I was Pro-Life. But somehow, I offended them so greatly that not only did they do so, but they attacked me where they could--particularly in groups, still publicly. Not a single one of them told me what had been so bad (and I asked, too). I offended the woman who took me into her home. Apparently I'd somehow been ungrateful for her help. I'd been ungrateful for everyone's help ever. Anything personal that could have been said was said, nearly everything but the kitchen sink was thrown at me. I would get home late and call a Pro-Life friend of mine who was keeping me standing (I don't know how). She would tell me "Don't go to ____" but of course, I would, and I would just be more miserable. Over and over and over I apologized. When I asked one what I had done that was so bad, instead of telling me, she told me that I "knew what [I} did." If I knew, do you think I would ask? I don't know how many nights I cried from the hurt. I took my anger out on one Pro-Life page and ended up offending another Pro-Choice friend of mine whom I never intended to offend. We are no longer friends, and I am still sorry because she was a fantastic person to know. 

I cannot tell you how hard it was for me not to take this clear minority of Pro-Choicers and use my bitterness to attack Pro-Choicers as a whole. I' m not innocent, though. I have said things I didn't mean or later regretted. I have made posts and deleted them right after publishing them because I was doing so out of anger and bitterness. 

Remember that herd mentality that I'd been a part of to jump on Lifers? Well, now it had been used on me. Served me right, I suppose. The irrational, illogical, completely immature anger that I had dished out, I now received. Those bullies I'd once called my friends, once supported, once had been a part of the herd with, well, that herd went against me. And with the fall of their "friendships" came also the fall of the wall of pride and insecurity that I'd built and clung to for so long, keeping me from joining the Pro-Life movement, fell with it. As I said, it was not logical arguments that held me to the Pro-Choice position. I had transformed in my thinking, and it was fear of loss that kept me. It was irrational. But I never claimed to be a rational human being at all times. I try, and I still do.

During the time that this was going on, one of my former "enemies" (and I mean ENEMY,here) actually sent me a message to support me during the time that the herd was going against me. I was receiving support from Pro-Lifers and Pro-Choicers alike, and I think that is a major part of what kept me from becoming an extremely hateful Pro-Lifer toward all Pro-Choicers. They are not all bad. They are not all like that. I still have a good number of Pro-Choicers on my friends list, whom I care for deeply. Some have had abortions. Some have not. I refuse to abandon them, even if they do, and they refused to abandon me on the simple grounds that I had become Pro-Life. I was a human being to them, and they were (and still are) to me. I was finally realizing who my real friends were. And even with the Pro-Lifers, I know that MANY of them on my friends list would not stop being my friend, would not stop supporting me, even if (on the off chance) I did become Pro-Choice again. And I know that now, even if I had clung to the Pro-Choice position (for whatever reason), those bullies that I'd called my "friends" would not have remained friends with me. Something would have eventually come along and this exact result would still have happened.

I cannot express how thankful I am for those who have been part of my transformation (even the bullies, for finally helping me, in their own crude and hateful way, to, as has been said "tear down that wall!"). I feel much better now than I have in a long time, more confident, more secure. I'm still growing though, mind you. I hope to continue to grow into the compassionate and understanding Pro-Lifer I want to be. I want to do something with the Pro-Life movement. I want to (as I typically do) apologize though to anyone that I have offended in my journey, and to anyone I may still offend on this road ahead. For everyone that I have met, spoken with, debated with,I am thankful. 

I have one more blog post to make. I want to tell you about what happened immediately upon my coming out as Pro-Life, and about my friends. Thank you for taking the time to read these posts. 

Becoming Pro-Life: Iceberg, Straight Ahead!

As I sit here and am about to share perhaps the most significant part of my shift to Pro-Life, a very special book sits next to me. It's in nearly the same condition as I got it. The pages are still white and crisp. But the upper right corner of this softcover book is a little bent. This is because I have a terrible habit of flicking pages between my fingers as I read. Opening the book to the title page, I find myself smiling and tearing up at the five hand-written messages crammed onto the page. I can tell you the exact date I got this book and these notes were made: September 12, 2012.

Let's back up a wee bit, though. By this point, I'd been talking to some of the greatest Pro-Life people in the history of ever, even if I didn't realize it. I don't even think I could list all of the great Pro-Lifers I'd talked to by this point... Josh Brahm, Clinton Wilcox, CB, JBH, FA, AL, GT, AR, LR, LHB, KDT, CDD, CD, AF, Destiny ReNae Gonzalez, IT, RMN, SMU/P, Aryn Bedrick... So many names. Now let me say here that some of these were not my friends by the aforementioned date--some I had merely spoken to. Some I severely disliked (at this time, though I considered myself "on the fence", as far as abortion legality went, I still supported it, and was still judging many of these Pro-Lifers from what my friends (typically, but not always, extremists) had told me about them). 

I had started to call myself "on the fence" because I came to realize, slowly but surely, that there were many great Pro-Life points out there (and great Pro-Life people, even if I didn't realize that my "enemies" were some of them). There were bad Pro-Choice arguments, and I'm really glad that the ones who first started pointing these out to me were not the stereotypical hateful Pro-Lifers/extremists. I don't know what I would have done if they had been. No doubt, I would have been even more resistant to change than I already was.

I actually paid attention to the logic behind arguments. And I think that is what made the world of difference. There was still that day though, and that book.  It's not a large book, but it's significant. For some time, by this point, I called myself "Pro-Solution" and had a page about trying to find common ground between the Pro-Life and Pro-Choice sides of abortion. I was certain it existed, and still am. However, due to the nature of the terrible people I still associated myself with, I had countless times gotten discouraged (and I will address this in the next post). I'll share with you now, finally, the title of the book and maybe you'll see why just that alone is significant. But I am not going to share that with you yet. First, I want to share with you the date. September 12, 2012: The day I met Josh Brahm, Clinton Wilcox, and a few other important people.

"God loves you, Roni. Seek him all your days." 

~JM

(one of the messages on the title page)

I cannot possibly express to you how excited I was as my mother drove me, my sisters, Piper, and my husband (at the time) to Wichita. I was going to meet Josh and Clinton! I'd been talking to them online for a good year (more than that!) now and here they were in my state! AAAAH!!! I could not contain my excitement, either. I would catch myself smiling when I thought about it on my ride there. I cannot, for the life of me, remember what my family was going to go do while I hung out with Josh and Clinton (and some guy named Steve). I didn't care then, and I don't care today. The point of the day was to meet two really, really awesome people.

Here was the plan: I was going to be dropped off at Steve's place, where Josh and Clinton were staying (I think), and we would hang out there for a while. Then we'd go to Olive Garden and eat. Then I'd go back home.

As we pulled into the driveway (I think I was on the phone with Josh at the time, or at the very least, texting), I saw Josh outside. I waited (barely) for the car to stop before I got out, jogged, and had to jump up in order to hug him--he was tall, okay? Clinton is quite a bit taller than me, too. Pretty sure I had to jump to hug him too. And I'm only 4'11''. I will cut you if you tease me about my height (I'm looking at YOU, GT). I then introduced Josh and Clinton to my family and to my husband. I hadn't talked much to my Pro-Life friends about the abuse I suffered by my husband's hand, and it was on that day that I was glad. I didn't want to make the introduction awkward (I may have, anyway. I can't remember if I'd told Josh or Clinton about the abuse by this point). I introduced them to my precious baby girl, who was a whole year and two months old at the time). 

I'm actually second-guessing myself here. I don't think Steve was at the house at first, but I could very well be wrong. 

"Dear Roni,

It was a pleasure to meet you. I admire your desire to think critically and enjoyed tonight's discussion.

Peace and joy,"

~JW (Steve's sister)

(Another message on the title page)

I'd brought a bag of books with me, to show the books I'd been reading. I had also brought one of my favorite books, a legal text, regarding bioethics, personal autonomy, and social regulation. It was this big, bulky, brown book--one that you would see in a lawyer's office, or one you'd have to read from in law school. I still treasure it. I think that they may have been shocked, but in retrospect, they've both read so many books on the abortion issue, if they did seem shocked, I wonder if it was simply to compliment me?

We talked for some time about how awesome it was to be meeting, and not just Skyping or chatting behind a screen in a debate forum. I genuinely think they were happy to see me, which is really weird because I was (and still am) a nothing. I'm not some kind of big philosopher. I'm not that smart. I'm not famous. I'm not, nor have I ever been, big in the Pro-Choice or Pro-Life movements. I'm this woman who lives in Kansas who sometimes Skypes with people and talks on the phone with others. People don't listen to my views and think that I'm some big thinker. I don't think I've influenced many with my views at all. I'm just now making more friends and just now really desiring to do something with my views (blog, talk, listen, go out there and do something, even though I live in the middle of nowhere and opportunities like this aren't exactly everywhere, over here). 

"Roni

I appreciate knowing you and enjoy our discussions. I know you'll enjoy this book."

~Clinton Wilcox

(I shouldn't have to mention that I'm writing the messages on the title page in this blog!)

I'm pretty sure Steve wasn't there in the beginning, because if I am remembering correctly, he and his sister came home after I arrived and had been talking to Josh and Clinton. Steve introduced himself, as did his sister. There was someone else with them (JM), who also introduced himself. 

We all sat in the kitchen/dining area (they were in the same room), and there the real talking began. It was wonderful to be able to be heard. In most online debates, you speak all you want but your arguments are seldom heard from the opposite side, and if they are, it is mostly so that the opposing side can misconstrue them. For a long time, by that day, I had been mostly asking questions and lurking. Of course I'd debate too, but it was mostly on the pages where, again, you weren't really heard. But here these people were (All Pro-Life, mind you) talking to me, asking me questions, and--here's the kicker--actually listening to me. They didn't tell me I was wrong. They didn't call me a murderer. They addressed what I said, asked for clarification, and they let me ask questions--answering every single one I asked. Now THIS was a discussion! They're questions were sometimes difficult to answer though. 

I remember one stuck out: Someone asked me what the difference between a child immediately after birth and the fetus immediately before birth. Not just what the difference was, but what the MORAL difference was. There aren't really that many differences anyway, physically, and I couldn't think of a moral difference. It moved back from there. What was the moral difference between a fetus at 39 weeks to 38? 38 to 37? 37 to 36? And down and down and down. 

I noticed that my knowledge of facts really didn't have nearly as big of a part in the discussion as I would have liked then. I understand it now, but I still felt like all facts were 100% relevant and you could derive an "ought" from an "is." The discussion really didn't last long, though. But it was fantastic. I wish I could see more of these, be apart of more of them. Some might say it was unfair; four Pro-Lifers to one "non-traditional Pro-Lifer" (as Josh had once called me). Four certain individuals to one who had been so extreme at one point. Each question opened my mind further. If you've seen Titanic (and if you know me, you know Titanic references are 150% predictable and valid), perhaps you remember that the iceberg it struck seemed to come out of nowhere (despite the warnings), and when it struck the hull of the ship, instead of ripping straight through, it left a series of holes. That was pretty much what it was like. 

My Pro-Choice ship was sinking. There weren't enough lifeboats to save everything. But it was going to take a good while for it to sink, considering its size and the small breaks in the hull. I had a ton of Pro-Choice friends, many of them hateful, and I knew that no matter how many flares I shot, many of them wouldn't understand. The ones that managed to rescue the pieces of my Pro-Choice self (which I came to desperately cling to) were too late when they arrived. The ship was already gone.

[record skips]

I had mentioned that I wanted to find common ground between the two sides of abortion. Someone mentioned that Steve had written a book. He even had a copy. Better yet, he was going to give it to me. Best detail: He was going to give it to me FOR FREE.

BOOYAH!

He handed the book to me. It was small (especially compared to other books I owned), but I didn't care. I knew before I looked at it that I would treasure it. But then, I read the title and the value of the book to me rose to infinite heights:

Common Ground Without Compromise: 25 Questions to Create Dialogue on Abortion

by Steven Wagner

And then they wanted to write in the book. I'm not sure what prompted that, but they did. The fourth message in the book read:

"To Roni--

It was a joy to meet you [and] have you in our home. You're welcome anytime. Enjoyed seeking truth together with you!"

~Steven Wagner

(I'd have abbreviated his name but there was really no point since I told you the author had given this book to me and I named said book and author already!)

(I'm actually crying now as I type this. I will never be able to thank the people I met that day enough. Don't you judge me.)

Clinton, Josh, and I went to eat at Olive Garden. I'd never been to one before, but I knew I liked chicken alfredo. I can't remember what the other two ordered, but I do remember that when we got our salad, the server asked if we wanted any cheese on it, and was prepared to pour some on the salad. I refused. I don't remember what Josh said. Clinton said yes. He got cheese. When asked if that was enough, Clinton wanted more. I respect Clinton more for loving cheese. It's delicious. Also, I remember that whatever he ate had cheese too. 

And I swear to you that some deity made my chicken alfredo, because I was in heaven. It was so delicious.

I was dropped off at a Barnes & Noble bookstore, where my family was, after dinner. I was sad to see the day end, but I knew I would never forget it. I cherish the memories. I cherish the book. I cherish the friends i had and the friends I made. I wish I could tell Steve about this change. I wish I could thank him again--him, his sister, Clinton, Josh, and JM. I will never stop being thankful for the real discussion, the real dialogue, the listening, the understanding. 

I love you, my friends. You have made me a better person, even if I didn't realize it then.

Oh, but before I end this, I recall telling you that there were five messages on the title page. I've only shared four. Let me share that last one.

"To my closest pro-choice, soon to be pro-life friend Roni"

~Josh Brahm

Becoming Pro-Life: From Extreme to Compassionate

The group in which I was involved changed my views dramatically, even if I didn't speak out on those changes. I had been an extremist, I think, regarding the Pro-Choice stance. Then I became (oddly) less extreme, but still very much Pro-Choice. Then I was on the fence--for the longest time. I didn't call myself one way or the other--for multiple reasons, not just that I was becoming less extreme. Let me start off with explaining these views.

A lot of Pro-Choicers, particularly extremists, are not going to like this post. I'm going to be blunt. It's not going to be pretty. But I want you to see what I saw. Clearly I hung around some pretty bad people. And I was one of them. I was a bad person. I refuse to deny this. Some might say I'm attacking their views. If you believe this, I hope that you think about the views I attack and I'd be glad to talk about them with you as well. I don't delve too deep into opposing arguments, but I hint at them here and there. Also, there is a lot of sarcasm ahead. I'm not posting this to debate. I'm posting this to tell you what I (and others) believed, and I will be blunt.

Pro-Choice Extremists

"I don't call pro-choicers heartless because they believe in taking the life of unborn children, so why [do you] call us heartless because we're trying to save those children [...] ? I would just ask that you try to see it from our point of view rather than attack who [Pro-Lifers] are needlessly and make strawman arguments."

~Clinton Wilcox to me

(name used with permission)

I don't start with "Abortion Extremist" because I don't recall ever supporting forced abortion--maybe in the case of severe disability of a woman, but, and I will put this as horribly blunt as it really is: severely mentally disabled women who get pregnant fall out of the scope of the Pro-"Choice" movement. We fully support someone else deciding for her to abort--she can't make the decision for herself. Birth would be terrible, we say. Birth would be horrible, we justify. Abortion is not traumatic by any means, even to someone who cannot understand the process (and even if it is, even if it scars her for life, birth is always worse). The severely mentally disabled woman gets no choice and we would be perfectly content with the "choice" always being abortion in this case Even if, for whatever reason, she said she didn't want to abort, it wouldn't matter (and it wouldn't matter to us, either) since she is not legally competent to make the decision, and that's all that matters. If we started to take legality of what was right or wrong, then that could threaten our argument that abortion is okay because it is legal! 

Pro-Choice extremism was not so sensitive to coercion, either. I can directly quote some extremists  In fact, one said that a woman brought problems onto herself that would lead to coercion--such as getting pregnant young, having parents that would threaten to kick her out, etc. if she got pregnant. Ignore the blatant irony (victim-blaming) here, this is what Pro-Choice extremists think. I was one of them. I am most definitely not proud of it. 

To Pro-Choice extremists, we say that the anti-choicers shouldn't post pictures of aborted fetuses because they're exploiting the dead. They are also doing that when they post about women who died from abortions. But we aren't exploiting the dead when we use women who have died in childbirth against the Pro-Life movement. We aren't exploiting the dead when we post that picture of the woman dead in a hotel room from a back alley abortion. To hell with the woman who died in an abortion--she chose the risks. But the woman who gave birth and died is a legitimate victim because she could be of use to our agenda. 

If we extremists had it our way, men wouldn't pay child support either. The woman chooses to give birth. Consent to sex does not mean consent to pregnancy, and that extends to men too. Children have absolutely zero right to be cared for by anyone but the state. And if we had our way, the taxes to support unwanted or abused children would come straight from the wallets of anti-choicers because if any woman made the (ridiculously awful) mistake of giving birth, clearly she was influenced in some way by anti-choicers. Plus, anti-choicers are always going about how no child is unwanted, so they should take them in. Ignore the fact that legal and available abortion has not rid the world of the problem of unwanted children or child abuse like we claim it would. Ignore children's rights post-birth. Men shouldn't have to pay child support, but complete strangers--taxpayers--should. Biological parents have a right to be protected from any possible negative consequence of conceiving or birthing a child. The state does not. That's the right to privacy, bitches. My wallet should be safe, his wallet should be safe, but yours looks mighty nice to take from. And maybe this is the most logical conclusion from "consent to sex doesn't mean consent to pregnancy." But you'd think that if we could pick and choose what we consent to, then consent to being a taxpayer wouldn't be consent to pay for someone else's kids (and now we're going to ignore the fact that sometimes things happen that we don't like when we consent to point A but that doesn't mean we can drop obligation B. It's kind of like those who say that they are Pro-Choice but when a woman consents to continue a pregnancy, she also consents to do certain things or not do certain things that would harm the child to-be-born. This makes no--logical--sense).

Personhood doesn't begin until birth. And don't ask at which point in the process of birth it becomes a person, because I don't know. I don't really think I ever did. I might have thought that the personhood began once the child (it was pretty much an appendix before birth, you understand) was completely separated--umbilical cord cut. And this might make sense. After all, until  that umbilical cord is cut, that...thing...person or not (but really not), is using her body against her will. And, I probably reasoned, no woman would ever in the history of humanity (because I know everything ever) kill a child/non-person/whatever it is after having expelled it from her body. After all, there's no threat to life or health at that point (which is the only reason in the history of ever that a woman has a later-term abortion where the fetus is viable, barring fetal defect--any other reason is an anti-choicer's fault, anyway). And since it would never ever happen ever, that seemed like a good place to draw the line. We cannot logically say that a woman cannot kill a child that is born but still connected to her body if we promote the mantra that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want, to anyone or anything using my body or bodily resources against my consent. So again, this seemed logical, and again, it would never happen ever--until it did. A woman in Virginia killed a child that was still connected to her via the umbilical cord moments after its birth. She walked away, because a Virginia law said that a woman can pretty much do anything she wants to a child still connected to her because it's not yet an individual. Well, that's definitely not okay to me (but it might be or might have been to other extremists).

Anything that even remotely gave the fetus rights had to be opposed. If we started supporting fetal homicide laws, we'd be admitting that the fetus had some rights--more rights than tissue, more rights than an appendix. The misery of a woman who lost her child in a car accident caused by a drunk driver, or the misery of the woman whose boyfriend beat her into miscarriage could not matter. We might feel sympathetic (and indeed we did, especially if our friends miscarried, but if an anti-choicer even thought to point out that it was wrong to kill the fetus in such a circumstance or that a law should exist to protect it in any circumstance, they were in the absolute wrong--and that's pretty bad considering morality is subjective). No fetal protections. Just call it a violation of a woman's bodily autonomy--no violation on the fetus's part. After all, we don't make it a crime to violate the spleen or heart, only people. We accepted that our friends thought that they miscarried babies. We accepted that we had babies within us. We (ironically) accepted this belief. But when it came to abortion rights, it wasn't a baby. It wasn't a child. It wasn't an anything. And even if it is, it isn't. 

I think I've hounded on the extremists enough. I'd hound on any extreme, I think. Extremists are angry, hate-filled, and seldom rational. I think part of what got me out of that rut was the fact that I realized this--that I was hateful, close-minded, illogical, insensitive. I wanted to be more compassionate. I could say I was compassionate toward women in crisis pregnancies, but really, in the grand scheme of things, I only used these situations as I saw fit. They didn't deserve dignity in the sense that I later became to understand the term. Sure, I'd defend abortion rights to the death, but I didn't care who or what or how many I had to stomp on to do it. I didn't even care about convincing people that 'my side" was the clearly correct one (unless they could be intimidated into believing so). I was so right. I could think no wrong. I loved destruction--anything that could destroy the Pro-Life movement. I wanted it. Maybe not to the point of murder, but anything that would take their funding, their organization, their dignity, their free speech/protest rights, anything but their lives away, I probably supported it. And I am sorry.

Compassionate Pro-Choicers

"...{A]bortion is a human tragedy."

~Elie Wiesel, Holocaust Survivor

It's a quote that has since stuck to me.

There probably isn't going to be too much (pfft--suuuuuure, Roni!) in this section. We'll see where it goes. I have no reason to speak so poorly of those in this category or their beliefs. While, yes, some of the beliefs are certainly similar, if not exact, to those of Pro-Choice extremists, the best Pro-Choicers I have met were not nearly as hateful as the extremists. These Pro-Choicers, what I became after being an extremist, and where I strengthened my views, actually care about women, children, society, etc. Many see abortion as a "necessary evil", or a tragedy. I saw it as the latter. Unlike before, I didn't always use others as a means to an end. I still was hateful quite often, going back to my roots. But the anger and hate was slowly subsiding and I opened my eyes to reality. The reality is that there are limitations to what one might consider "bodily autonomy", but that didn't mean that being Pro-Choice was wrong, or that we could not defend the right to bodily autonomy with regards to abortion rights.  I was reading more things that were harder to read. Forced sterilizations, eugenics, baby-selling. I was finding abortion jokes to be more and more disgusting (but still, I said them. I had to keep up the image of my former self, didn't I?). 

I feel like there are a ton of these Pro-Choicers--compassionate--out there and they deserve more credit than they get. They aren't hateful toward the unborn child/fetus. They are genuinely good people with good intentions. I know that might be hard to believe, but it is true. Ask yourself if you are a bad person. I can guarantee that someone on the opposing side thinks you are, for your beliefs, for your advocacy, for your faith. Does that make you a bad person or someone who has bad intentions? No. But the fact is that they hate you anyway.

We didn't deny the humanity of the fetus. We didn't deny that it was a life. We didn't deny that a life was being terminated by abortion. However, it (abortion) was here, and it was going to stay, whether we liked it or not. And we had a choice: We could either keep it legal and as safe as can be (without infringing too much on a woman's right to choose), or we could criminalize it and lose women along with the fetal life in the process. It came down to: Do we risk one life or two? And we chose one. There was still denial of fetal dignity, but not in the sense of the extremists. These Pro-Choicers felt a need to help women, and they went out and did it to some degree. I never had a lot of money. I played on FreeRice to "donate" to the World Food Programme, and I donated extra baby food. I even bought a woman a can of formula when she was at the store and trying to get the money from her purse. I cannot tell you how good I felt doing this. I supported a woman who chose life and surrendered her child for adoption (she didn't want to place her son, but she didn't feel like she had much other choice--her parents kicked her out, her "Christian" parents. I was disgusted, to say the least). I supported another friend having an abortion. She made it public and, of course, got called every name in the book by Pro-Lifers (and I started using that term more often, too). I told her that whether or not I agreed with her decision, I loved her and she would remain my friend anyway. She had another abortion after I became Pro-Life and I said the same thing--I loved her anyway. We are still friends.

I had a friend who was an escort to an abortion clinic. I heard stories--good and bad. They opened up my eyes to the realities of the abortion decision as well, as well as to the reality of going to an abortion clinic. I was still having conversations with Josh Brahm (name also used with permission), CB, and Clinton Wilcox. I imagine they were much more mature and welcoming than I was originally. I found compassion for women, compassion for their unborn children/fetuses and I didn't personally distinguish between unborn child and fetus. They were one and the same. Every time I read about an abortion, I felt sad. I didn't feel sad necessarily for the abortion itself, but for the reasons they came about--poverty, fear, disability, health risks... The list was endless and I thought then (and still do) that one of the best ways we can reduce the number of abortions is to address the reasons behind them. I did not support making abortion illegal at first. Then I started to think about it. What really got to me was a meeting I had with Josh Brahm and Clinton Wilcox. I will never, ever forget that day and I haven't discussed it too much either online (or in the journal I kept at the time). I hope that as I type this next blog post up, it is correct, and they can back me up.

Becoming Pro-Life: The Never-Ending Debate

I joined a debate group. This was a special debate group to me, though I didn't feel that way at the time that I joined. There was one before that, but I think it got deleted or something? I don't remember. Anyway, this group, which is no longer used as of this writing, changed me in a number of ways. I was pregnant (early along) when this group began, and it did not end until quite some time after I had given birth. It was the longest, most successful, most active debate group I've seen. Some might disagree, say that it was not successful, but as a whole, I really do think it was. I met people in that group who taught me much more than I ever could have realized I wanted to learn had that group not existed. 

Now, I mentioned that this group lasted a while, but I'm not exactly going to comment on every post that affected me, but I'll share some posts (both from in and out of the group) during this time that influenced me. We'll start, of course, as far back as I can.

Let me point out there that I'm going to mention first impressions for people I've met, as well as state how my views of them have evolved. Also keep in mind that prior to this group, all I pretty much did was sit on Planned Parenthood's page or the Pro-Choice page or NARAL's page and attack any anti-choicer that dared set foot on them. I even posted nasty things on Pro-Life pages. I even had created a page or two to bash Pro-Life pages. I'm willing to admit here that, for the most part, the people who go onto pages of the opposing side don't generally do so to provide some awesome insight or thoughtful discussion. This is also true of those who respond to them. This is especially true of pages that stalk people or other pages of the opposing side and post what they share. They aren't doing it to point out actual flaws in the argument. They are doing so to insult, harass, and otherwise attempt to degrade the movement by using (sometimes) bad apples to apply to the whole. If we used the bad apples, though, to apply to whole movements, then no movement would or should be treated with any degree of respect. I fully admit these things because I have done them. 

Noting that, let's move on.

You're a jerk, and you're also a jerk, and you're a jerk too, and you're a pretentious jerk.

I was still pretty militant in my Pro-Choice views--and remember that no one was going to change that--when I joined this group. I was also, still, using the poorest of poor arguments. I remember that when I joined the group and started debating with the people in it, I still thought of Pro-Lifers--erm, anti-choicers, mind you--as anti-woman, misogynistic, men who were born in the wrong century since they couldn't control every aspect of a woman's life, and anti-choice women were perhaps twice as bad as anti-choice men for having abandoned their own gender (but you could be sympathetic to anti-choice women--they were brainwashed, of course, by the patriarchy--by men). So this group comes along and nothing is different, I think. There were a ton of people in this group, so I'm not going to be able to recall all of them, but I'll be mentioning the ones that majorly played a part here. 

I want to go in order, here. Meet Jerk, Also A Jerk, Jerk Too, and Pretentious Jerk and please, for the love of all that is sacred, remember that these are first impressions and speak nothing of how I feel for them now:

Also keep in mind that my logic that you will see here was 150% sound. And this is the short version of their offenses. The rest are still on trial.

Jerk: JBH. Meet JBH. He's this anti-choice male. Religious. Calls himself "Pro-Life". He's a really sweet guy. Funny. Witty. Smart. Everything an anti-choicer should never be. I don't remember if he said there was logic behind the Pro-Choice stance, so I'm leaving that out (for now), but to summarize his "crimes":

1. He's an anti-choice male (felony)
2. He's a religious anti-choicer (misdemeanor)
3. He calls himself Pro-Life (misdemeanor)
4. He hadn't yet converted to the infallible Pro-Choice stance (felony)
5. He's actually logical (felony)
6. He's a nice anti-choicer (felony)
7. He's a human being and not a monster (felony)

Sentence: 100 years of "Stop that!"

Also A Jerk: CW. So here's this guy--anti-choice. Religious. He thinks there is logic behind the anti-choice movement ("Pro-Life", he says). He says he's "open to change" but there hasn't been a compelling Pro-Choice argument to make him do so yet. He's nice. Smart. Also witty. He even has a Pro-Life blog. Can you tell yet why he's a jerk? Let me put this simply. He qualifies as a jerk because: 

1. He's an anti-choice male (felony)
2. He's a religious anti-choicer (misdemeanor)
3. He thinks there is logic behind the anti-choice movement (felony)
4. He calls himself Pro-Life (misdemeanor)
5. He hadn't yet converted to the infallible Pro-Choice stance (felony)
6. He's actually logical (felony)
7. He's a nice anti-choicer (felony)
8. Has a Pro-Life blog (felony)
9. He's a human being and not a monster (felony)

Sentence: 199 years of "I hate your guts."

Jerk Too: CB. He's an anti-choice male. He's religious. He tries to get under your skin with well-thought-out wit that makes you laugh and hate yourself later since you just laughed with an anti-choicer.He also thinks that there is logic behind the "Pro-Life" stance. But he doesn't really say that he'd convert to Pro-Choice. Charges:

1. He's an anti-choice male (felony)
2. He's a religious anti-choicer (misdemeanor)
3. He thinks there is logic behind the anti-choice movement (felony)
4. He calls himself Pro-Life (misdemeanor)
5. He hadn't yet converted to the infallible Pro-Choice stance (felony)
6. He's actually logical (felony)
7. He's a nice anti-choicer (felony)
8. He didn't say he was open to #5 (misdemeanor)
9. He is a witty anti-choicer whose evil plan is to get under your skin by making you laugh (misdemeanor)
10. Doesn't have a blog but still does a lot of research and writes Pro-Life papers and whatnot--they're well-thought-out and sound (felony)
11. He's a human being and not a monster (felony)

Sentence: 300 years of "Nope."

Pretentious Jerk: Now, if you thought those other guys were bad, let me introduce you to JB, a smart, religious Pro-Life male who is pretty high up there on the Pro-Life ladder. He's celebrity status in my eyes (still is :P). He does a lot for the Pro-Life movement. Blog, podcast. He's open to change and is for finding common ground with Pro-Choicers. He thinks the Pro-Life stance is logically sound. And if you think he sounds bad now, I want to let you know it gets worse. Much worse. In one of the early days with talking to him, I remember--I don't remember exactly what I said, but I used the term "anti-choicer" which was clearly the correct term to use--JB told me that in the group, we didn't use terms like "Pro-Abortion" or "Anti-Choice". We used Pro-Life and Pro-Choice. Are you kidding me? No, really. He said that. So let's wrap up this section with some of Pretentious Jerk's crimes:

1. He's an anti-choice male (felony)
2. He's a religious anti-choicer (misdemeanor)
3. He thinks there is logic behind the anti-choice movement (felony)
4. He calls himself Pro-Life (misdemeanor)
5. He hadn't yet converted to the infallible Pro-Choice stance (felony)
6. He's actually logical (felony)
7. He's a nice anti-choicer (felony)
8. Has a Pro-Life blog (felony)
9. He's a human being and not a monster (felony)
10. He has a Pro-Life podcast (felony)
11. He's a Pro-Life celebrity (to me) (felony)
12. He thinks finding common ground with Pro-Choicers is possible (felony)
13. He thinks finding common ground with Pro-Choicers is a good idea (felony)
14. Did I mention he was a human being? (felony)
15. Did I mention he was a nice person? (felony)
16. Did I mention that he told me not to call him anti-choice? That he had the audacity to tell me to use the obviously incorrect term of "Pro-Life?" Did I tell you that? 'Cause he did. He seriously, really, did that. (superultramegafelony)

Sentence: Over 9000 years of "NO."

Were any of these first impressions wrong? Well, the anti-choice bits were. But otherwise, these first impressions were completely correct. They all committed the added offenses of treating people on the opposing sides as human beings, not actually hating women, and other miscellaneous offenses, that are, as I said, still in trial. It was these four people who played perhaps the largest role in my transition, but it was not limited to them and I will again do my best to include as much as I can and list as many people as I can that helped me on my path to becoming Pro-Life. But it didn't actually start out that way. Before they even began to help me to become Pro-Life, they helped me become a better Pro-Choicer.

Breaking The Rules: Why Are You Helping Me?

I don't know if they intended to help me become a better Pro-Choicer or strengthen my convictions in the Pro-Choice stance, but they did. They helped me to challenge the arguments that I used, and helped me to find better ones to use. While I used the bodily autonomy argument countless times, and while (to me) that is still perhaps the strongest argument in favor of the Pro-Choice stance (along with some arguments that the fetus is not a person, though I think I think this one is weaker--and that wasn't a typo in the statement). Pro-Choicers in the group also used much better arguments than I did. I kept seeing the poorer arguments that I used shot down with actual logic, yet still, some stood. This debate group, and many of those involved, made me want to not only analyze my position and strengthen them, but in general become more informed. 

I began to read around this time--read about abortion. Arguments, court cases, the Constitution, various interpretations of the aforementioned articles. Books, newlsetters, journals, LifeNews, LifeSiteNews, BBC, Slate, RH Reality Check, just about anything and everything I could get my hands on. I still do this to this day. So I read Roe v. Wade, and some of the cases it linked to. I read about fetal personhood laws, the history of abortion, the Constitution and its interpretations. I read the dissenting opinions in Roe v. Wade--I wouldn't do that before, didn't want to even slightly admit that I could be wrong, you see--I looked up more cases. Bodily autonomy, abortion, personhood, fetal homicide laws, murder laws, I read it. I read about other countries--El Salvador, Romania, Albania, the UK, China. I read about religious views--Islam, Christianity (some different sects, though I concentrated more on Catholicism), Judaism, Buddhism. I read about the Holocaust, slavery, the civil rights movement, the feminist movement. I read about adoption laws. I read about back-alley abortions. Fetal pain, fetal development, pregnancy complications. This is the tip of the iceberg.

Do I retain all of that information? I wish I did. Still, I know so much more now than I did then about just facts. My "flat-earth" knowledge on abortion and related issues has transformed into a "round-earth", yet still, there are so many places to explore, even now. There is so much information, so many thoughts, so many questions. I am still boggled by it. At the same time, I love it. I love that people haven't stopped coming up with new thoughts or ideas. I love that I love that people are making more and more connections to things that we may not have connected before. I love the debate. Let me clarify that point: I love the ideas, the philosophy. I don't love that people, born or not, have been  hurt, killed, murdered, during it. I hope that makes sense.

I was inspired, by Pro-Choicers and Pro-Lifers alike to read, to learn, to do better in my arguments. I do want to take a moment to introduce some Pro-Choicers that, during this time, this beginning, really had an influence on me as well. I want to introduce you to some of my old friends. Some of us are still friends. Some are not. I want to do this for a number of reasons. First, I want you to realize or keep in mind that Pro-Choicers are human beings too. They have dreams, goals, wants. They are educated or not. They are not all out to kill or murder babies. They are not all trolls. They are not all stupid. They are people, and they should be treated as such. And I realize that after being the ass that I was to a huge number of Pro-Lifers, I have no right to ask that Pro-Lifers treat Pro-Choicers with respect, but I'm going to do so anyway. 

Now, I'm not going to dig too much into their personal lives. I'm merely going to tell you what I thought about them:

With our powers combined...

JG: If I had to pick someone to describe as a "Bad-Ass Pro-Choicer", she would probably be it. She was never afraid to be blunt, never hid from criticism. In short, she did not give two shits what you thought about her, and I admired that. I still do. I think I always will. She had a brilliant mind. She could verbally cut you to pieces--rip your arguments to shreds before you even had time to blink. She came to be one of my fence-sitting buddies. 

CM: In terms of superheroes, I guess I'd call her "The Hulk." If you were Pro-Choice, she was amazingly nice to you. If you were Pro-Life, she didn't care, but if you had the audacity to claim that abortion should be illegal, she was a brick wall. You weren't going to get past her. You weren't going to be able to knock her down. If you remember the story of the "Three Little Pigs", you remember that the big bad wolf tried to blow all of the houses down. CM is comparable to the brick house. I mean that in a loving way, of course. I think I'd also compare her to heavy artillery!

KD/AV: Another strong Pro-Choice advocate, she, like JG, ended up helping me to learn to be a bit nicer when it came to Pro-Lifers. KD was smart, and very kind and supportive of others. I confided in her with issues I'd never told anyone before. There was a night I'd left home and was prepared to go to a homeless shelter, and she helped me find one. She sent me care packages a couple times. I will never in my life be able to thank her for the things that she has done for me.

MV: Another of my Pro-Choice friends who helped me out beyond the internet. She took me into her home, coming from out of state to come and get me to bring me there and dropping me off back at home afterward. She was a true friend if there ever was one, and like KD, like many of my friends, I will never be able to not only pay her back for what she has done, but I will also never cease appreciating her for her actions, nor be able to come up with a way to appropriately thank her (to the proportion of my thanks) for the things she has done for me. I remember that while I was there, at her place, she also gave me some books. I have every single one still, in the exact condition in which I received them.

EAR: She was sweet. EAR was the kind of Pro-Choicer that was so nice, could word things so effectively, that sometimes I would think of her as having the ability to tell you to go to hell in such a fashion that you look forward to the trip! She is an invaluable friend. She was another Pro-Choicer that helped me to open up and be nicer to Pro-Lifers. 

JO: JO was like JG in the sense of bad-assery, to me. Blunt. Not afraid of others. I think she was one of the Pro-Choicers that made me want to look into the laws of other countries, being that she didn't live in the United States and her laws were therefore different than ours. Some other Pro-Choice friends (KM, IVD/DD, CM--different CM from the CM mentioned above, and SS) also pushed me into this direction. After I had my daughter, JO sent me a shirt for her. It's too small for my daughter now, but I still have it, still cherish the gift.

KW: Here was another Pro-Choice lady I admired. Strong convictions, like the others. She also runs a page (more than one, I think, but I cannot remember for certain) that has a ton of followers on Facebook. She is very logical, and is so compassionate. Extremely compassionate to the plights of others. She is one of the Pro-Choicers that I keep in mind when I start to feel bitter (due to events that will be mentioned later) against some Pro-Choicers. She is an excellent example of one of the best Pro-Choice advocates.

AH: Now, she's not Pro-Choice in the traditional sense of the term. She's a fence-sitter. Her views and her vast understanding of human tendencies (psychology, particularly) leads me to admre her. She's one of those people who will look at all sides of a situation, and judge according to facts but is not biased toward the decision one way or another. What I mean by that is that she will make a judgement without regard to what others may think of her views. I have other friends like that, some Pro-Choice (SF), some Pro-Life (GT). Some people who are Pro-Choice or Pro-Life judge with the foundation of judgement their Pro-Choice or Pro-Life views. AH does not do this. Nor, of course, do all people. I'm just making a point here. She had a falling out, so to say, with a number of my other Pro-Choice friends, and they may not have liked that I remained friends with AH, but I will never regret doing so (and will thank them also for respecting my choice of friends). 

All of the people I mentioned here are far more than their Pro-Choice views. Some might not think their qualities (such as stubbornness) is admirable, but I think we are all capable of these qualities. Also, these Pro-Choice friends did much more than debate abortion. They are supportive of animal welfare, environmental welfare, and also possess excellent ideas on the economy, and other political issues. They are good people. There are extremists, crazy fanatics who go out and be violent for their cause. These are not them. These were--some still are--friends of mine, and even if we are not friends, I would defend them and their views to the end if I had to. Many of them played a role in helping me get out of an abusive situation--with my now ex-husband. They helped me (along with the Pro-Life friends) build up my confidence again. And I will never be able to thank any of my friends enough for the things they have done for me. 

Now, before I conclude this post (which is longer than I intended, but it has a lot of information) I want to talk about something fun. As I was strolling through the memories and the past posts, I told myself that I didn't want this series of blog posts about how I came to be Pro-Life to be too serious. The information bit is over, for now, but I want to share a memory from the group I mentioned here. Well, I lied, I guess. This is a memory that is somewhat significant, because it showed to me that even if there was a Pro-Lifer or Pro-Choicer that used really really bad arguments, we (Pro-Life and Pro-Choice) could stand together. And maybe it was just because this argument/thought was really really really bad, but I don't care.

Pro-Lifers and Pro-Choicers Unite Against Bad Math

I wonder if my friends who saw this will remember it? There was a post in the Never Ending Debate group. It was a question that I'm sure many of us have seen here and there. The question was as follows and posted in the group:

Think fast lifers!

There's a clinic building on fire. There are fertilized embryos in test tubes in one room and a two month old infant in another. You can only save one.

Who do you save?

There are a number of places you can look to find why this question does't actually challenge the Pro-Life position and that a Pro-Lifer can choose to save the toddler without becoming no longer Pro-Life for embryos, but that's not the point here. 

In the group, there's this guy (Pro-Life?). We ended up changing it to three embryos at some point. And he says he is going to change from saving the toddler to saving the embryos. His logic? That the embryos have a greater chance of survival than the toddler. How? He explains that there is a 100% chance of survival for the toddler, sure, but there is a 35% chance of implantation for the embryos and since there are three of them, that equates to a 105% chance of survival for the embryos. Don't believe me? His exact quote:

I factored failure rates for implantation into my 3 embryos-figure. 3 embryos that successfully implant 35% of the time works out to 3*0.35=1.05, which is greater than one.

And before anyone says that he didn't "specifically say 105%", I want to say two things: 1. Yes he did and 2. Here's another direct quote:

The newborn has a 100% of survival, but three embryos at 35% each add up to 105%.

In fact, he even explains exactly how many embryos it would take to "equal" the survival rate of the toddler:

In this scenario, 3 outweighs the toddler. It would take approximately 2.86 embryos to equal the toddler. 

You don't have to be an expert in math t know that when it comes to survival, you cannot have a 105% chance of survival. You either have a 100% chance of survival or less. So Pro-Lifers and Pro-Choicers are quick to point this out to him. He doesn't accept any of it. Some responses are as follows:

Pro-Choicer: a born child is more viable than a embryo. Fact. Many people do ivf for years implant 50+ failed embryos. Tell them one HAS TOO work. Because they fail, all the time. 

Me: "implant 50+ embryos" BUT THEY HAD A 1,750% CHANCE OF SURVIVAL O_O 

Pro-Lifer: Actually, I do think it's that simple [that a born child is more viable than a frozen embryo]. If a zygote implants itself in a woman's fallopian tube, abortion will be necessary to save the life of the mother. Better to lose one life than two, and the mother has the greatest chance of survival. In this case, the infant has the greater chance of survival than the embryo(s). I see this as along the same lines. Save the one with the greater chance of survival. In this case, the infant has a 100% chance of survival. If you rescue him from a burning building, you're not going to leave him out on the street to die.

I just felt the need to share that for the memories. We had some good times in that group! Also, this is where this post ends. I apologize for making this explanation so long! The change didn't just happen in one day.