Becoming Pro-Life: Resistance, Rejection, and Humiliation

Our city was in a drought and lifted its burn ban, finally, after a series of storms and showers hit us. To commemorate the uplifting of the ban, I propose we burn some bridges that should have been burned a long time ago. And if the bridge has already been burned, let's find a way to do it again, shall we? This isn't some "I hate you, let's burn the bridge" post. On the contrary, this is "You hurt me. I'm not going to let you cross that bridge again, and if burning it is necessary, then so be it." I'm also going to be burning bridges so that I, too, cannot re-use them. 

I wish I could say "and the rest was history", but I cannot. Though perhaps the most influential day regarding my conversion to Pro-Life was September 12, 2012--the day I met Josh and Clinton--it would be the greater part of a year before I would truly even admit to myself that I was Pro-Life. In fact, if I recall correctly, it wasn't until late November 2013 that I took the biggest step, and though it hurt, and you'll find out why, I do not by any means regret it. We're going to back up though and explain what happened from September 2012 to November 2013, though--how I was changing.

At first, it wasn't all that different. I was still "on the fence" but leaning and defending the Pro-Choice side far more than the Pro-Life side. I was really , really concerned with people hating me--though, oddly, that didn't matter so much with Pro-Lifers. I'd been Pro-Choice, been debating it as a habit with certain groups of Pro-Choicers for so long, and it was so familiar. I was terrified of change. I administrated some pages, one of them a discussion page, and even though I was "on the fence", if the aforementioned groups of Pro-Choicers would come onto the page to harass Pro-Lifers, I, for the most part, defended them. I was even told about how unfair this was. I even knew how unfair this was. There were really good Pro-Lifers both on pages and in groups that I watched be harassed and bullied by Pro-Choicers. And I said and did nothing.

I even (though it was becoming more seldom) continued to antagonize Pro-Lifers on the Planned Parenthood page on Facebook. And if anyone is wondering how so many Pro-Choicers seem to step on you when it comes to Pro-Choice pages, there are a number of groups in which a Pro-Choicer who sees a Pro-Life post on the pages will share the link or a screencap of the post. For example, there was the "Planned Parenthood Action Private" group (I might be a bit off on the title). Despite the title, it wasn't run by the owners of the Planned Parenthood pages. It was primarily by the trolls and extremists I told you about before. Mind you, not everyone was a troll or extremist, but quite a bit were. So when someone would post on the Planned Parenthood page, there'd almost always be someone in the group that would find it and it would be screencapped and/or a link would be posted in the group. Then we'd all jump on it like ants to picnic food. One after another, these Pro-Lifers stood no chance against all of us. The herd mentality. You'l read more about this later. This wasn't just limited to the Planned Parenthood page. Or even Pro-Choice pages. Sometimes we'd screencap things that were posted by Pro-Lifers on Pro-Life pages just to make fun of it. For a long time, I went along with it. As time went on though, I came to hate it, though, and would feel bad when I bashed Pro-Lifers--especially those who came onto the pages civilly, or posted something that made complete sense. But I was afraid (very insecure at this time--still am, but I'm working on it now more than ever). I was afraid of losing my "friends" if I was nice(r) to Pro-Lifers or said that they made sense or were logical. 

I didn't realize, at that time, what real friends were. I was growing increasingly conflicted, though. I had great Pro-Life friends. What a jerk I was to treat other Pro-Lifers poorly because I wanted to keep Pro-Choice "friends" while ignoring my Pro-Life friends (who would, ironically, scold me if I treated  Pro-Choicers the way I had been treating the Pro-Lifers).

A short conversation between CB and myself:
Me: You know, I was allowed to help out on a big Pro-Choice page. And I tried to be that average choicer. I just can't do it though. I'm sitting in the page's messages having a civil conversation with a Pro-Lifer and telling others to message the page if they wish to talk. This is after I posted lots of mean pictures and slogans and whatnot and now I just want to go back and delete them all but then I think that the admin of the page will hate me or something.
CB: Can I ask, why would you choose to pretend to be something you're not?
Me: I don't know. I really don't. I kinda wanted them to not hate me.
CB: If I can make a suggestion, never sacrifice principal just to be liked. Because, if you do, it won't really be you the people are liking but, a fake version of you. In other words, a lie. And if they don't like you because you believe something differently than them, they're not worth your time.

Despite this conversation, I continued. It was not so much logic that held me to the Pro-Choice position but, rather, pride and insecurity. I was not the fair admin I thought I was or could be. I still hurt people. I still pissed off a lot of people. And I'd like to say right now that I am sorry. I cannot say that enough.

I'm actually glad, though, that my dearest Pro-Life friends by this point did not see all of the things I said, particularly in private groups. I don't think I could have handled the added shame. Maybe they did? Some did, I'm sure.

I became an admin on a fairly large Pro-Life page. But I was determined to only post things that Pro-Choicers would be able to agree with. Still, it wasn't long after that that I started to feel more comfortable talking about my personal views. And it took even less time after that point that I was removed from the Planned Parenthood Action Private group. I think I was removed from some others, but for some reason, the removal from that group hit me the hardest. I was told that it was just some sort of "precaution" or something because there was a "mole" in the group (I'm not sure what we were supposed to be ashamed of, though).

Finally, I began to lose what I had thought were "friends." I hadn't even fully come out as Pro-Life, but I am guessing it was my association with the Pro-Life movement, the fact that I was in Pro-Life groups (this I know was one factor because I was told so), and the fact that I was starting to become more stern in regards to being a fair admin for both sides. I'd been letting (mostly extremist) Pro-Choicers trample Pro-Lifers for way too long, and I began to refuse to let that happen. This took place after the disintegration of our "friendships", for the most part, and of course, they were mad. How fucking dare I ban them from my page? How dare I! That's not fair! Pro-Solution, Pro-Common-Ground, their ass!

Unfortunately, I had misjudged them as decent human beings worth some degree of respect. I had considered them my friends, and they knew a lot about me personally, and they weren't about to let that advantage go to waste. They had no problem making public my private matters. I have a screenshot right here, but I'm not going to show it. I'll tell you what they said, but I won't tell you the name. Even though they treated me with such disrespect (that I probably deserved anyway), I'll still protect a bit of their privacy, even if I was not afforded the same privilege. One bashed me (on a public page), calling me entitled, and mentioning one night that I wanted to go to a homeless shelter with my daughter to get away from my situation. She called it a disgusting homeless shelter, and claimed that had I gone, I would be depriving of a family that was truly in need of a place to stay. She'll probably tell anyone that kind of stuff. But here is what she won't tell you: She won't tell you that I'd been beaten by my husband the night before. She won't tell you that I wanted to get myself and my daughter away from the situation. She won't tell you about how my parents were verbally abusive to each other. She won't tell you that I didn't want my daughter around any such abuse. And she won't tell you that I was contemplating suicide because I was starting to feel like there was no way out. She won't tell you any of this, because if she had, you'd actually get the full story. It wouldn't make for a good "you should hate her guts" post, and it might imply that she's not as Pro-Woman as she thinks she is (bashing a domestic violence survivor for wanting to leave? Couldn't ask for a better friend, could I? You also clearly will never find a better Pro-Woman advocate, I tell you).

Still,the worst was yet to come. In November 2013, if I recall correctly, I was finally getting used to calling myself Pro-Life, to adjusting, so to say. I'd already lost a bunch of friends, and while that had hurt, I got over it. There was a day in another private group, and there was some post on being Pro-Life. I remembered speaking up for Pro-Lifers (I was just getting used to that), and one member bashed Pro-Lifers to no end. It was expected and predictable. Still, for whatever reason, this affected me more than it had in the past, and I felt I should leave the group. I did, leaving behind a parting message (I can't  even remember what it said, but I am sure it didn't say anything particularly nasty in it). Clearly, though, a number of people were super-offended personally--many I hadn't even spoken to in months. I (stupidly) made a post on my own profile about leaving a group and having unfriended some people (who weren't really my friends). I kept the post restricted in hopes that I wouldn't offend others and (of course) someone screencapped it and posted it in a group or something, so those who couldn't see it saw it and, of course, also got offended. It was my own fault. Tension was high and I should have known better than to post on my own profile page. Still, I apologized. And I apologized. And I apologized. 

I lost a lot of friends then many whom I thought I was pretty close with, many I thought would not care that I was Pro-Life. But somehow, I offended them so greatly that not only did they do so, but they attacked me where they could--particularly in groups, still publicly. Not a single one of them told me what had been so bad (and I asked, too). I offended the woman who took me into her home. Apparently I'd somehow been ungrateful for her help. I'd been ungrateful for everyone's help ever. Anything personal that could have been said was said, nearly everything but the kitchen sink was thrown at me. I would get home late and call a Pro-Life friend of mine who was keeping me standing (I don't know how). She would tell me "Don't go to ____" but of course, I would, and I would just be more miserable. Over and over and over I apologized. When I asked one what I had done that was so bad, instead of telling me, she told me that I "knew what [I} did." If I knew, do you think I would ask? I don't know how many nights I cried from the hurt. I took my anger out on one Pro-Life page and ended up offending another Pro-Choice friend of mine whom I never intended to offend. We are no longer friends, and I am still sorry because she was a fantastic person to know. 

I cannot tell you how hard it was for me not to take this clear minority of Pro-Choicers and use my bitterness to attack Pro-Choicers as a whole. I' m not innocent, though. I have said things I didn't mean or later regretted. I have made posts and deleted them right after publishing them because I was doing so out of anger and bitterness. 

Remember that herd mentality that I'd been a part of to jump on Lifers? Well, now it had been used on me. Served me right, I suppose. The irrational, illogical, completely immature anger that I had dished out, I now received. Those bullies I'd once called my friends, once supported, once had been a part of the herd with, well, that herd went against me. And with the fall of their "friendships" came also the fall of the wall of pride and insecurity that I'd built and clung to for so long, keeping me from joining the Pro-Life movement, fell with it. As I said, it was not logical arguments that held me to the Pro-Choice position. I had transformed in my thinking, and it was fear of loss that kept me. It was irrational. But I never claimed to be a rational human being at all times. I try, and I still do.

During the time that this was going on, one of my former "enemies" (and I mean ENEMY,here) actually sent me a message to support me during the time that the herd was going against me. I was receiving support from Pro-Lifers and Pro-Choicers alike, and I think that is a major part of what kept me from becoming an extremely hateful Pro-Lifer toward all Pro-Choicers. They are not all bad. They are not all like that. I still have a good number of Pro-Choicers on my friends list, whom I care for deeply. Some have had abortions. Some have not. I refuse to abandon them, even if they do, and they refused to abandon me on the simple grounds that I had become Pro-Life. I was a human being to them, and they were (and still are) to me. I was finally realizing who my real friends were. And even with the Pro-Lifers, I know that MANY of them on my friends list would not stop being my friend, would not stop supporting me, even if (on the off chance) I did become Pro-Choice again. And I know that now, even if I had clung to the Pro-Choice position (for whatever reason), those bullies that I'd called my "friends" would not have remained friends with me. Something would have eventually come along and this exact result would still have happened.

I cannot express how thankful I am for those who have been part of my transformation (even the bullies, for finally helping me, in their own crude and hateful way, to, as has been said "tear down that wall!"). I feel much better now than I have in a long time, more confident, more secure. I'm still growing though, mind you. I hope to continue to grow into the compassionate and understanding Pro-Lifer I want to be. I want to do something with the Pro-Life movement. I want to (as I typically do) apologize though to anyone that I have offended in my journey, and to anyone I may still offend on this road ahead. For everyone that I have met, spoken with, debated with,I am thankful. 

I have one more blog post to make. I want to tell you about what happened immediately upon my coming out as Pro-Life, and about my friends. Thank you for taking the time to read these posts.